The Google Giveth, and the Google Taketh Away

They are angels to some, demons to others

An Epic Treatise on Google, Pt.1

Maybe you have heard of Google’s new Panda update and it’s effect on various types of content.  Every silver lining has a cloud; like some bomb dropped on a shitheel Chadaneese mercenary in Libya, there is always some innocent collateral damage.  Let me tell you a tragic story with three characters; an end-user, an advertiser, and a search engine.  Let’s start with the user and make him the main character.  That way, you will be able to root for him because that’s you!

In the beginning, the internet was a formless void.  Then Google spake saying “let there be indexing,”  and there was indexing.  And Google saw that it was exploited. (Goo. 1:1)

The users want to find what they are looking for.  They don’t want to find what an advertiser wants to show them, or indeed what a search engine thinks they are looking for, but what they really are looking for.  In a word; porn.  They don’t want to get dicked around so they have become savvy at using the right techniques to search.  The fact is you have to be sharp to cut through all the bullshit out there and actually find what you’re looking for quickly.  But why is there all this bullshit?  It’s the advertisers.

And The Google said, “Let there be an algorithm to separate the black hat from the white.”  Google called the white hat ‘relevant,’ and the black hat ‘spam.’ (Goo. 1:2)

The search engines don’t like that.  They want searches to be easy and intuitive, so even an idiot could find what they’re looking for, because let’s face it, idiots do most of the searching.  What the search engines want is advertisers that genuinely offer what the users are searching for.

And Google saw that the wickedness of man was great on the internet, and that every optimization of his sites was only evil always. (Goo. 6:5)

The advertisers want paying users, and the best way to attract users is through the search engines, so they make their sites so that search engines like them.  That’s not quite the same thing as users liking them.  Hence all the bullshit.

And it repented the Google that it had indexed the internet, and it grieved it in its heart.  And the Google said, “I will destroy the content farms that I have created from the face of the internet.  Both RSS and white label, for it repenteth me that I have made them.” (Goo. 6:7)

So the advertisers are trying to please the search engines, and the search engines are trying to please the users.  The users are trying to wank on the advertiser’s sites, and nobody is communicating with anybody because no one trusts each other.  The users don’t trust the search engines, the search engines don’t trust the advertisers, and the advertisers don’t trust the users.  It’s a game of subtle adjustments, by all parties, to tweak the way robots think of them; delicate macabre dance, if you will.  It is life inside a Skinner box, doing a dance for the big G, who is continually studying us and taking notes.  It levies it’s judgments against us with a cold, unyielding hand.  Not an ocean of salt tears could melt it’s resolve.

“And behold, even I, do bring the Panda Update upon the internet, to destroy all RSS fed blogs and white label websites, wherein is the traffic of video on demand, and all these content farms shall surely die.” (Goo. 6:17)