Fuck John Holmes

John Holmes was a slippery little shit who got through life stealing, lying, and betraying all of his friends.

John Holmes

Basically just a big dick.

So we’re putting JohnHolmes.com to try and sell some more porn, you know how we do. So they want me to write it up (because I spit hot fire,) so I had to do some research on the guy. I didn’t know a lot about John Holmes until now and let me tell you: fuck John Holmes. What a piece of shit. The guy was a total douche his entire life. John Holmes was a pathological liar, and a stool pigeon. He was addicted to cocaine and double crossed just about everyone he ever knew, usually to save his own skin.

You know how sometimes you look at someone and they just look like an asshat? It’s not necessarily their clothes, or what they’re doing, or their douchey tribal tattoos or anything- it’s just their stupid fucking face? You know how you get that feeling when you look at John Holmes? Well in his case it is entirely justified.

Holmes was discovered at a dingy card game while taking a piss. Some creep looked at his junk and convinced him to do porn. Just like the card playing, he kept his early porn work secret from his wife. The industry was blowing up at this time, but the man’s obscenity laws were stilling jamming everybody up. Holmes was arrested during this time, but he got out of doing time by beginning his long career as a spineless fucking snitch.

“John Holmes didn’t have friends as such, he had people close to him that he could dime out.” -Alistair Thrustwell III

Holmes made a lot of notorious friends as his porn popularity grew. If you have seen the Val Kilmer vehicle Wonderland, you may be familiar with the scenario. The ‘Wonderland,’ gang sold drugs from their ’70s Hollywood party den. Eddie Nash was a successful nightclub owner who surrounded himself with party people like Holmes.

Somehow Holmes pissed off the Wonderland Gang. This could have been anything. He was a pathological liar and drug addict so the possibilities are endless. We’ll never know. In any case, Holmes squirmed out of this the only way he knew how- by selling out those friends that trusted him most. He helped the Wonderland Gang organize a robbery of Eddie Nash’s house. Nash got to Holmes and coerced him into selling out his Wonderland accomplices. Getting Holmes to do this was probably easy as shit, as he was a giant fucking coward pussy Judas.

A man wouldn’t do that. Only a thing would; sneaky, booze-guzzling rat with a bottle for a brain and a streak of spit where his spine ought to be.” -Cpl. Paris Paths of Glory

The infamous Wonderland murders represented the apogee of Holmes’ shitty gutless life. Four members of the Wonderland gang were brutally beaten to death with pipes. Holmes’ girlfriend was blugeoned into a coma, possibly by Holmes himself. Authorities found a bloody hand print of the stupid and selfish John Holmes at the scene, but not enough evidence to actually charge him with the murders. In all likelyhood however, Holmes was at least present to witness the murders and the attempted murder on his old girlfriend.

During the investigation, Holmes went on the lamb with his underage girlfriend who was too stupid to realize she should get the fuck away from this asshole. He got AIDS from fucking skanks, communicated it to her, and god knows how many other clueless sluts. He continued doing porn and lying about this, of course, until his shitstain of a life dried up and finally died.

“John Holmes eventually died a richly deserved death from AIDS, but not before spreading it to countless clueless sluts. In that sense, John Holmes is a curse that still quite literally plagues society.” -Alistair Thrustwell III

During his life Holmes told a multitude of obvious lies, including that he had sex with 14,000 women. That would be almost two women a day for 21 years. He lied about the size of his dick too, claiming it was 15″ long. Essentially, his whole life was a giant lie while he looted and despoiled the good will of the better human beings who surrounded him. The retrovirus he proliferated still haunts the world to this day. In that way, John Holmes was a blight on this world that still quite literally plagues society.

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